I don't often post my deep down heart felt feelings on the blog. Why? I guess I am afraid someone will reply with a rude or mean comment so I keep the blog to short but usually happy things. Today, I am going to be deep down honest because I am struggling. Struggling on the inside!! Satan is working overtime trying to make me believe that God has left me and I am fighting my life struggles lately alone. I know this not to be true because God has promised he will never leave me, nor forsake me. Sometimes fighting Satan off is soooo tiring!!!
The Monday before Christmas Larry went for a physical. We had the best Christmas ever and two days later we found out that Larry's hemoglobin was low. The Doctor wanted to see him to discuss this but could not do so for 10 days due to the New Year holiday. Both our minds played miserable tricks on us with the worst thoughts. When Larry's visit rolled around, the Doctor explained some reasons that Larry's hemoglobin could be low. One reason is ......cancer.
We all know weak medical areas our own personal body has. Mine for instance would be sinus. I always have issues with my sinuses. Larry's would be stomach and bowel. So were weren't surprised when Larry was being referred to a colon specialist. He waited another two weeks for a consultation there. He arrived and in the visit was told that a colonoscopy needed to be done. So, two weeks later, Larry went through that. After the colonoscopy the Doctor talked to us and a red flag was sent up. Something was seen at the end of the colon so a biopsy was taken. A week later we found out that it was benign but the Doctor wanted a pelvic and stomach CT scan done and a blood test for cancer. Larry had both done and 10 days later we found out the blood work showed no signs of cancer but the CT scan showed that what was seen in the colonoscopy to be in the colon is actually on the outside in the stomach area pushing on the colon. So just this week Larry was referred to a gastro Doctor. To be honest, we are sick of the doctoring. We just want a diagnosis with a treatment. He now has 2 more weeks to wait for that appointment.
While all of this was going on, my Dad became ill and ended up in the hospital for 10 days. This was very stressful to me as I wanted to be there to help my Dad, who is sick, and my Mom, whom is waiting for him to get better and come home.
On top of Larry and my Dad, I fell in a parking lot on New Year's Day and hurt my right shoulder. I have suffered with pain ever since and some days it is unbearable. Don't scold me now, I know I should have gone to the Doctor. I did not and now I pay the price.
Last weekend, as you know, I lost my main computer and have Love Without Boundaries work and you name it to do and I do not have a computer other than my ipad mini.
And....just on Monday I went to the Dentist to find out that all the stress in my life is causing me to clench my teeth at night. My jaw and teeth were so sore!! I now wear a mouth guard when I sleep and I cannot tell you how much better my mouth feels.
Now....you see why I am struggling. I am sure you can see why Satan is working so hard on me to get me down. I have taken great comfort in Mercy Me's song, "You Are I Am!
Here are a few words that I would like to share:
I've been the one to shake with fear, And wonder if You're even here. I've been the one to doubt your love. You're not enough. I've been the one to try and say, I'll overcome by my own strength. I've been the one to fall apart. and start to question, Who you are.
I have let myself wonder to the place the words of the song talk about. I had to quickly grab myself and remind myself that God is the Almighty and he LOVES me. I am his child!!!!!
As I mentioned earlier in this post, I usually only talk about happy, positive things on the blog. I am sure you have noticed I have been pretty quiet. Since it hasn't felt like a lot of happiness, I just decided not to post. That needs to change!!!! God is my awesome God and he has given me a roof over my head, food on my table, freedom to worship, 6 WONDERFUL children, an amazing husband, a job I enjoy and my health! I have so much to be happy about! Just God's love alone should be enough to be happy about and post about.
Thanks for letting me express myself! Telling you, my bloggy friends and family, has made me feel better too!!!